What kinda phone you got?

I assume no one's really that surprised by this.  I mean, it's been in the works since the previous administration when the republicans thought it was a good idea.  It's to keep up safe, remember.  Duh.  Terrorists!

Actual Photo of Osama.  I'm pretty sure.

Still, it was driven home to me this week how ready the Feds and, more terrifyingly, the locals are to implement martial law.  Ready, hell.  More like eager.  I was in a class called MGT 312.  Our scenario, as befits a hospital, was preparing for a case of pandemic flu.  During the first part of the project, before the flu was even in the United States, we had people jumping over themselves to say, "We have to close all roads into our county, and we need to call Washington for the national guard."

Never mind that we'd actually call Gov. Perry for the guard.  Details.  Not important.

Shutting down access to the only veteran's hospital within hundreds of miles, because there was a flu in Mexico was the first answer. Not preparing to serve the potential influx of sick, not working with the locals to figure out what resources they need and whether we had or could get them, but jumping down a hole, pulling it in after us, and shooting anyone who tried to get in.

When I asked what our legal justification was for closing the roads, the answer FROM THE GUYS FROM FEMA was "we've already got that."

"WE'VE ALREADY GOT THAT."

That's it folks.  We're fucking done.  It's going to be an interesting few years coming up.

Shuffling toward disaster

What possible incentive would there be for young men to get married anymore?  Not only will the courts take half of your shit, no matter what, now you can be punished for deciding the harridan you married wasn't mom material after all.  That is apparently worth multimple thousands of dollars in your stolen money, gents...

That’s the hope of a 38-year-old woman who is a client of Ronald G. Lieberman, a family law attorney in Haddonfield, N.J. Mr. Lieberman is asking his client’s soon-to-be-former husband of eight years to pay $20,000 to cover her egg-freezing procedure, medication costs and several years of egg storage. “When they got married, the expectation was they would start a family,” he told me. “Now she might not have the chance much longer.”

Seem's fair, right?  I mean, surely she can't be held responsible for any part of the marriage's failure.  It's obviously his fault.  I mean, Patriarchy, amiright?

How do you think this will help with the "man up and marry that slut" virus sweeping the nation?  Will the endorsers of the "Purity Bear" accept this for what it is (the end game for feminist-churchianity and marrying bad women)?  My guess is "no."

Because, what good is freedom, if you don't have freedom from consequence?

Here, though, is the (ahem) money shot*:

In the New Jersey couple’s case, they decided to divorce after undergoing several failed attempts at in vitro fertilization. Mr. Lieberman’s argument is that since fertility treatments were part of the marriage, they should be considered part of the marital lifestyle, which should be maintained as much as possible post-divorce. The only difference is, in the future, she’ll use another man’s sperm. (emphasis mine)

So, he's going to pay for her to have another man's child? That seems fair, right?

So, kids, here's the lesson: DON'T GET MARRIED. 







*HA - Triple meaning pun!  I win the internet!

Extroverts and Introverts

You know what I hate?  Humanity.  You know what I hate worse?  The blindly stupid.  This particular extrovert felt bad about not being part of the new under-represented, disenfranchised cool-kids and so claims to be pissed about the myths surrounding extroverts.  Like the myth that they’re outgoing, or that they’re self absorbed. 

This is not to say, “introverts are awesome and you should try to be one.” We are awesome, but really you should go live your loud little lives elsewhere and leave us the fuck alone.  That would make everyone happier.

Anyway, here are her gripes:

Myth 1. Extroverts don’t have feelings.I can only assume that introverts think this about extroverts when I read articles like Revenge of the Introverts.I get it. I talk too much. I’m loud. You feel overlooked and marginalized. You’re afraid you’re being left out.That said….WE ALL FEEL LEFT OUT.You don’t have the market cornered on feeling unwanted or under-appreciated..I’m not your enemy, and it hurts my feelings when you label me as one. Stop it.

Listen, loudmouth, we’re not afraid of being left out.  Introverts will participate when we damn well feel like it.  If we don’t go to your party, it’s likely because you’re going to be there, and you won’t shut up for five minutes, not because we’re afraid of being left out of the party we didn’t want to attend in the first place. 

You are loud. You don’t say smart things. Don’t feel bad because I don’t want to be your friend. You probably don’t want to be my friend. I'm kind of an asshole.

Myth 2. Extroverts are naturally outgoing.For reasons completely beyond my powers of comprehension, introverts think they have the market cornered on social anxiety.

Who said this?  You may be socially awkward, or you might be the second coming of Zig Ziglar.  You still talk entirely too much, and really ought to stop wanting us to validate your meaningless chatter with our attention.

Well, I’m here to inform you otherwise.

Gee, thanks.

Take a moment to dip into my world.

I’d rather drink from a public toilet.

I consistently embarrass myself in public, because I just can’t seem to STFU.Do you even know what happens to the loud kids? THEY GET LAUGHED AT. ALL THE TIME.True story.

You know what that’s called?  Being loud and embarrassing.  If you’re loud and stupid in public you deserve to be laughed at.  Social anxiety arising from a history of doing stupid things in front of other people is natural.  Embrace it and maybe learn from it instead of saying stupid shit like:

I wish I could be like you. You know when — and how — to keep your mouth shut. It protects you from the particular brand of bullying, wherein kids pick on what you have to say.

Right, because the quiet kids are always the ones left alone by bullies because they fit in so well.  Also, the entire internet is about picking apart what other people say.  It’s an effective tool for weeding out bullshit.  Pointing out dumb things isn’t bullying. It’s social upkeep.  Really you ought to thank us for keeping you from being taken seriously.

Do you know how demoralizing that is? It’s enough to make a kid feel like the world’s biggest loser.

Don’t be a loser, then.  Loser.

Now, I know there’s rampant bullying in schools, and it gets a lot worse than tricking a girl into thinking you want to talk to her, just so you can pick apart her words.

Like being the quiet kid who hates going to school because “they” are going to insist he participate in the mind-numbing process of fitting in, and practicing social protocol with the knuckle-dragging mouth breathers that take up 85% of the school?  Or working in groups that will take your work and the credit and then whip your ass in the hallway because you corrected their spelling, or grammar, and because nerds are soft targets?  Or getting the shit kicked out of you because you’re a dopey looking kid with a book waiting for the bus to arrive?

Body snarking. Class warfare. It all goes on, and it needs to stop.

Oh, you mean being kids, not actual bullying.  Gotcha.

Can we set that side for a minute, just so you can feel what I’m saying? I’ve been burned before, publicly.

And obviously didn’t learn anything from it.

I’m just as scared to open myself up to you, as you are to me.

Aha!  Now I get what your problem is.  You assume because we’re introverts that we’re scared to talk to you.  We’re not.  You’re not intimidating; you’re ridiculous. We don’t participate as fully as you extroverts do, not because society frightens us, but because it tires us. 

Some extroverts present as shy and don’t even realize that they are, in fact, extroverts.

What the hell?  You obviously haven’t been reading the articles and books you’re complaining about because EVERY.SINGLE.ONE.OF.THEM takes great pain to say “shy and introverted are not the same thing.”  Shy means you’re scared.  Introverted means interacting with people drains you of energy.  They have a large correlation, but they are not the same thing at all. 

Because somehow we’re not allowed to feel insecure.

Again, "What the hell are you talking about?"  I am pretty sure, that as a SWPL-Female-Blogger you’re encouraged to feel insecure.  It’s almost a requirement if you’re going to succeed in that world. You can't be confident and act the ingenue.  

Myth 3. Extroverts aren’t introspective.A common argument is that introverts think and extroverts act.As my counter-argument, I present this entire blog.

You are a PR Hack and you use the word “unfettered” non-ironically.  Your counter-argument is hereby refuted.

Myth 4. Extroverts don’t want to hear what you have to say.Nothing could be further from the truth! I’m intensely interested in other people. That’s kind of the definition of extroversion. I get high off being around you.

What if what I want to say is nothing?  Then you’ll just talk and talk and talk and talk and soon I’ll lose my fucking mind because you’re so interested in filling the silence with bullshit.  It's not my job to get you high. 

But I do understand the source of the confusion — and it’s something I work on every day.

Doubt it.

When I get excited, I tend to talk my ass off. I can’t seem to help it, although I am getting better. Later, I am totally traumatized, because:A: I am petrified of being a bore, and I’m certain you don’t like me.B: I wanted to learn all about you, and I totally sabotaged myself.

That’s not my problem.  Introverts don’t typically want to share with extroverts OR introverts.  That’s kind of how it works.  You may get high off being around us, but that’s because you’re an energy-suck.  You can’t seem to help it.  Just like we can’t seem to help hating that part of your personality.  You might be super-entertaining, but that doesn't mean we want to be entertained.  You might be a great listener (doubtful…) but that doesn't mean we want to talk to you. 

So I stop myself, sometimes mid-thought, to turn the conversation back on you.

If you extroverts would confine yourselves to just stopping the conversation, we might be able to get along.  The problem is the second half of your sentence. 

But here’s the thing about us extroverts. We aren’t comfortable with silence. For me, silence = social rejection.

Since social rejection is probably what is being conveyed, then you get points for being astute enough to realize that.

This is problematic, because introverts generally take more time to choose their words.

So, by implication extroverts don’t?  Doesn't that conflict with your “myth 3” counter-argument?

So when the silence stretches on too long, we freak out and start to fill it.

And that’s why we hate being around you guys. SHUT.YOUR.MOUTH.

Opportunity lost. :(

Maybe for you.  We’re happy when you leave.  It’s quieter then.  WIN!

Myth 5. Extroverts are self-absorbed bastards, who are stomping all over you.

This is two “myths.”  1) You’re all self-absorbed bastards. 2)You’re stomping all over us. 

Isn’t this the crux of those articles? That we’re at war.

Nope.  If we were at war, you would have lost already.  You’d still be chatting about the appropriate uniforms and flags and holding dedication ceremonies so that everyone got to talk about their feelings about the war and how it made them feel special and anonymous and part of a group and an individualist and tough and all that hippie bullshit flag waving mental vocal masturbation that you talkative types do.  Meanwhile, the introvert defense command would have launched the ICBMs chock full of Nuculary-goodness.

However, we do frequently find ourselves in conflict with extroverts.  I understand that due to the watering down of the language*, you might confuse “conflict” and “war” but they really are two distinct words.

The conflict arises because you insist on holding a conversation and having a god-damned life experience every time you see someone.  We want to conduct our business and go home where it's quiet and probably dimly lit.  The point of these articles, and my screeds against extroverts, is to show that we don’t like to participate in your madness, but since explaining it in person will only feed into your extroverted need for conversation, we need to write articles (and screeds) to explain it.  The reason you feel like you’re being picked on when you “read” these articles, is that you’re unable to insert your bullshit into our bullshit.  An article isn’t a conversation, it’s a declamation.

This is intentional.  You can’t interrupt an article.  You can’t overpower us with your enthusiasms.  You either read it or you don’t.  Articles (and screeds) are the ultimate way to “get” an introvert.

If you’re really interested in what we have to say, you’ll ask us in an email.  Or post a nutty article like yours to the internet where introverts like me will be mean to it.

Fuck that.

Okay.

Extroverts, by their very nature, really, really, really want to get to know you. We don’t win by marginalizing you.

No, you win by monopolizing our time and forcing us to be a part of your life.  I don’t want to be made into an audience, and I REALLY don’t want to be a bit player in whatever little costume drama you’ve concocted this week.

Once again, you’re conflating “not participating” with “not being allowed to participate.” 

Sure, we can — and should — work on being more sensitive to your needs. I agree with that. Every human being should work on empathy. That’d be awesome.

And also unworkable.

Also. It goes both ways.

Agreed.  You extroverts shut up, and I’ll listen.  Works for me.

If I have to get over my fear of prolonged silences, then you can work on being more spontaneous with your responses.

You realize you’re asking people to deliberately act stupid, right?  “Don’t think about what you’re about to say, just say it!”

(Tip: something as simple as saying, “Let me think about that for a second,” works wonders to allay our fears.)

Really?  And how much quiet time to think will this get us?  A minute?  Forty-five seconds?  I’m betting on something like ten seconds, which is the same as nothing.  You don’t need to teach the quiet types how to be polite, we’re quite accustomed to it already.

Deal?

No.  You keep to your side of the conversational fence, and we’ll keep to ours.  The problem is, your conversational is to test and test and test the boundaries.  Ours is o retreat into enough silence to not lose our shit.  Keep cutting holes in that fence and we’ll keep poking holes in your over-sized egos.

Reject the dichotomy. We’re in this together.

The hell we are.  You might be in this with someone else, but I’m not in it for you.  And this is the REAL problem.  You want to be in a group, and face life as a team and make sure everyone gets a chance to play.
 

We don’t. 

Your problem with that is like the problem faced by someone served with divorce papers.  The person who cares least, wins.

So far, that seems to be the introverts. 

I'm never touching people again. Except maybe violently.

What other choice do I have?

Ninety-one percent of adults claimed in the poll that they washed their hands after using a public restroom. But of the 6,336 adults whose behavior was observed, only 82 percent actually did so.

You nasty, untrained bitches need to wash your god-damned hands.  Filthy motherfuckers.

The telephone poll asked about hand washing in other situations as well. Fewer than half of adults said they always washed after touching a pet, sneezing or handling money. Washing hands after changing a baby's diaper is also far from a universal habit, with only 64 percent of men and 82 percent of women reporting that they did so. And most people wash up before handling food, but by no means all: 23 percent of adults said they regularly handled food without first washing.

I can never eat again.  That's great.

This is more literal than I had supposed.  How awful.

Took me a minute to realize

but this is all done in computer graphics, or "CG" for you kids out there.

Hugh Laurie is not only English...

he's also a musician.

Mood Regulation

Mood regulation

Because no one ought to have to write 4 department budgets in two days.

God is an Iron

If a felon commits a felony, then naturally an iron would commit...

Drug-testing is the latest rage at the St. Clair County courthouse. Why not? They’ve got a judge in rehab for heroin. Not just a judge, either. The drug court judge. Actually, the former drug court judge. He has offered to resign. They’ve got another judge dead of cocaine intoxication. He was partying with the drug court judge. Furthermore, the man who has admitted supplying the cocaine to the judges works in the probation office.

But your honor...

...you see what she was wearing?  She was practically begging for it.

Summed up nicely, I think.

This is without a doubt, one of the clearest glimpses you'll ever have of the mindset of the average baby-boomer.  This is the generation that cast Gordon Gecko as the villain, but sucked off his hind tit to the tune of ALL THE DOLLARS.

You know what?  You people are not, as one commentor to the article says, biting the hand that will feed you for the next 25 years.  You're biting the hand that WOULD HAVE fed, clothed and kept you for the next 25 years.

Just hurry up and die, already.  Fuck.

Listen up, you selfish men...

...you should have seen fit to give this woman the baby she deserves. 

Maybe next year? The sad truth was I didn't have many years left. I was 37 and increasingly desperate to start a family. But despite my ticking clock, I had heard those three words many times before, both from him and from a previous partner to whom I had been engaged several years earlier.
Indeed, the truth is that I have experienced nothing but trouble whenever I have attempted to persuade a man to have children with me.

You know, if you were pleasant to be near, and didn't focus on why he won't give you what you so clearly deserve, not only would the baby making have taken care of itself, but you'd probably also be asking your husband for a child, not some boyfriend who doesn't even live in the same house as the squalling ball of responsibility you want him to father.

But to suggest that somehow the age at which women conceive is within their control is naive and misleading.

No it's not.  If you were feminine, and kind, and didn't look like you wanted to fight* and focused on the building the family you claim is the only thing keeping you from being fulfilled right now, instead of becoming Gloria Steinem in Drag and waiting until you got to be 37 fucking years old before starting the process of starting the process to get knocked up, you could have had a child halfway through grade school by now. 

You made your fucking choice, it's not the responsibility of your "boyfriend" to decide to make bad choices with you.

By all means, go be a career woman, but don't complain when you realize men prefer Mary Tyler Moore** to Murphy Brown. 





This is your only option, woman.

* - Seriously, go look at her photo in the paper...I'll wait.  See? She looks like she wants to hit you. And that is her dressed up to be in the newspaper.  What does she look like at home?  It boggles the mind.

** - Mary from the Dick Van Dyke show, not the one where she works for the Television station. Also, any show with the name "Dick" is hilarious.  Also "Dyke."  My friend Ray used to pretend to be offended by the name, and wanted people to call it "Penis Van Lesbian."  Which I think says more about Ray than the show.  Murphy Brown was ugly, sounded like an effeminate man, and went through secretaries faster than Roasie O'donnell through a bag of Oreos.

An eloquent proposal for solving the problems in Detroit

To whit: "git off yo' ass."


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Detroit, a case study in collapse

Apparently, Detroit is in worse shape than previously thought.

We’ve been collecting operating deficits at about $18 million to $20 million a year. That’s nobody’s fault

, I think, frankly, the mayor and the council has done the best they can with what they have. The city has probably cut as much as it can cut to the bone now, and so its been trying to operate on the basis of borrowing short-term loans all the time,” he said. No one's fault? Surely it's someone's fault.

 

The answer to Detroit?  Send camera crews and watch it burn on  TV. 

Mood Regulation

Getting drunk watching twin peaks...

we're supposed to believe that bikers gather in biker bars to listen to ambient torch songs that sound like Brian Eno producing the Fleetwoods, with lyrics by David Lynch

I always liked twin peaks, and was strangely drawn into the movie "Fire Walk with Me." I don't really know why, either. If pressed about it, I might say it was the way Lynch made ugly things seem really, really ugly, but everything else so damned glamorous.

Or, it might be that the dancing midget has stolen my soul and I'm not my own man anymore.

Sometimes it's the only option

I'm not a hunnert percent certain this is legitimate

That awful 99.999%....

...making the rest of us look bad.